• Ollie Horsfall

The Conflict Between Old me and New me



I'm in a bit of a pinch at the moment. I officially completed Insanity max 30 twice in a row for a grand total of 120 days and now my body wants to rest. I can feel it rejecting the idea of exercise and where two weeks ago I would have pushed through it because my brain would tell me I had to... my last work out was a struggle and my body feels like it wants a break.


The trouble is that I know, from previous experience, that if I stop now there's a large chance I won't start again. I decided on Sunday to only drink water for the week, and stick to cardio workouts (no strength, no power)... and then I got a stomach bug which meant I haven't worked out for one day.


'OH NO!' I hear you cry, 'YOU WERE SICK SO YOU HAD A DAY OFF?! You pathetic fool!' - yeah in my head you sound like a Disney villain... It's not a big deal right this second because I can turn it around, but there is a small yet ever growing part of myself that is tired of it. It's a conflict of self-interest. I could just stop and go back to eating pizza and McDonalds and kebabs, ice-cream... I mean I still eat plenty of sweets but, well, it is what it is... Sit around, feel sorry for myself, not be productive... nap... be lazy (it sounds so good right now), but the truth is, that's not me anymore.


I can't go back to the way I was, he was unhappy when he looked in the mirror, he still is in many ways and the only way to fix that is to keep getting fitter. Results are an addiction, but the trouble with an addiction is that it has a habit of becoming unhealthy quickly. I'm currently the strongest and fittest I have ever been in my entire life, why would I give that up? It sounds like I have come to my own conclusion but I haven't. I'm conflicted, and I'm a bit tired. If I stop, I feel like I'll stop. If I keep going I feel like I'll burn out even worse leading to an inevitable stop due to breaking down.


At what point in our lives does doing what's right for ourselves become so difficult? Where what's good for you becomes something that isn't? Or conversely I have no desire to stop, and I have no desire to continue...


It's not like I'm trying to fight my self. Up to day 120 I've been pretty consistent, if anything I've working out a little more that suggested by the calendar. I did two weeks of month one and then six weeks of month two, I mixed things up to suit my goals, tried to keep things fresh... maybe I should just... start again. Month one until I feel ready to push harder.


This is more a train of thought than I had intended. I'm writing as I think rather than thinking as I write (usually they are fairly one and the same) but this is about me breaking a habit I have had my entire life, committing to something and then giving up too soon, I know it, my heart knows it, my body knows it... I have to keep going.


I just don't want to.


*Edit: I did workout regardless of how I'm feeling. Cos that's who I am now.

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