• Ollie Horsfall

Ollie the Villain

Photo by @Daria.Shmalts

So it's that time of year again.

Everything seems to be going great and then somehow the mirror shatters and so does the illusion. I'm only human, I've been working so incredibly hard that I've also been thinking how much of a machine I am. I fly from one thing to another thing to another thing, like a pianist playing notes. I don't always hit the right ones.... or in order, but I am geting my shit done.

Imagine my shock when I explain this to people and I hear 'Yeah, I'm busy too. So tired, so stressed...' and then what happens is, I sit there and I continue to listen. My problems, as such, cease to be important. I can't really bother many people with my problems because inevitably when I'm seeking comfort, I end up comforting them. I don't mind this, and usually I take comfort in making someone else feel better.

Today I find myself thinking about selfishness.

If I'm in a situation, back to the wall, how can I back down? I can't, is the answer. Not without sacrificing my dignity, my sensibility and my health as a result. The trouble with me is that I make those sacrifices so often that I'm used to it. Someone lets me down, I have an instinct to retaliate and then I don't, so what if this time I do? Am I wrong for getting back at those who do me wrong? 'Two wrongs don't make a right' and 'Let karma take care of it' are all well and good, but does that mean that my sense of right and wrong should take a backseat?

I don't malign people, I make excuses for people, and right now I'm ready to stop making those excuses. I feel like I've reached a point in my life where I have to grow some claws and be callous. I don't feel bullied, I feel resigned to becoming a villain because it'll save me hurt in the long run.

After attempting reconcilliation, and there being no real resolution, today I decided to put on the hat of someone unwilling to sacrifice his dignity for the benefit of others. I have worked and worked and worked and worked and succeeded, which has now amounted to nothing. I did everything right and the right way so I can leave the situation knowing that I wasn't taken advantage of, because I had to show my teeth and take a bite. Just this once. Bad people aren't going to do bad things to me again, because I'm not going to be a good person who does nothing anymore.


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