• Ollie Horsfall

Mental Health Report: It's happening... Again.

Three Centuries Below Us by Daria Shmalts

Far be it from me to whine about things outside of my control. Indeed, I'm ploughing through a lot of the garbage that back in the day would have stopped me, causing me to give up. The last week or so my anxiety has peaked and whilst the end-result is different... something still remains the same:

This feeling of absolute dread.

I'm more of a 'face my fears head-on' kind of guy these days. I don't do bullshit, what's the point? I straight up tell you when something isn't acceptable, or needs changing, or isn't good enough. I like to think i do it in a civilised way that doesn't demean anyone, approaching life with the sort of energy that I want to recieve back, but at the moment because of this feeling I can't control I'm snippier, more reactive, less calm and generally more distracted.

My heart-rate before I started feeling the quakes of anxiety approaching was a good steady 60bpm, I haven't felt real anxiety since the beginning of December, instead my medication has been keeping me balanaced. I just measured it today, which I am saying is a real 'anxiety day' and resting it's up to 80bpm. It's not just psychological, it's physiological too.

My hand is shaking, I can't focus on one thing for long, songs get stuck in my head easier (so I have to listen to songs I've never heard before, constantly), my breathing feels shallow, even though I know I'm taking deeper breatths, a tighter chest, the feeling like something is creeping up on me, nightmares, a sense that people are out to get me, paranoia, impending doom... The list goes on.

There are numerous factors and incendiary catalysts at play: stress and feeling overworked are two heavy contributors. I just moved apartments, it was all a very last minute and I'm still recovering from that. I have some hefty responsibilities in three big projects that I either run or have a large role in and I love them, I mean I feel responsible, trusted and fulfilled, but it doesn't mean these things don't creep up on you, representing themselves in the disturbing manner they do.

SO I carry on, stronger than the last time, but feeling sick to my stomach about nothing I can really place. Nausea, headaches, heart pounding, lack of sleep.... but I am also happy, because as hard as this mountain is to climb, I haven't let go of the ropes. I have no plans to either, I'm just hoping for a small plateau where I can watch the sunrise.


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