• Ollie Horsfall

Forgiveness: What Keeps Me Going

Photo by Stanislav Callas

The last time I wrote here, I was in a different state of mind. I had been actively looking to self-improve but the notion of returning to a place I had been mentally for a few months weighed heavily on my mind.

I finished Insanity: Max 30. I did every single work-out every day for two months, without fail. even the optional workouts at the weekend. The hope was always that I would continue with the exercise once I had finished... and I have. So what was this feeling of emptiness I experienced when I woke up this morning?

You might remember back in February I wrote some pretty angry posts about being taken advantage of and the struggle of pushing through. It really put me on a descending escalator into depression that I had no control over. Well, yesterday I saw one of the people responsible for this descent. I realised that I had been harbouring resentment for a person who is just trying their best to do their best. I smiled, asked genuinely how they were doing, and said that it has been long enough and that we should talk. Obviously I don't expect anything to come of it, a narrative has been written in their head that I have no control over. Simply put, I forgave not only forthem but for myself.

I've said before that forgiveness is a gift we give to others, but in this case I feel like it's a gift I was giving myself. I felt at odds with the thing I did instinctively, voices in my head and in life asking me why I would do such a thing. Apparently, it's in my nature. The concept of forgiving someone, not for them but for me, only really sprang to mind this morning.

Is it not better that I can now walk outside of my front door without looking around me just in case I run into someone I am disappointed in, who is also disappointed in me? Is it not better that I can feel like I have now done everything I can to glue together something that was broken? Yes I took a big jump in allowing them that peace of mind, but to be fair, I'm the one with a soft place to land since my comfort comes in knowing I do good.

A long time ago (2011) I wrote a sort of 'prophecy' about myself in a poem I called 'What Keeps Me Going?'. This poem stands as a testament to who I am... Other than the bus hitting me (hooray) everything came true... and I'm now just realising that as much as I fail, I succeed in being the one thing I've always promised myself I would be: a good person.

Forgiveness is a gift I gave myself. Forgiveness I a gift we give to others so often that we wind up thinking that it belongs to them once it's given away, but you have to remember that the weight lifted off your heart is a gift to yourself as well.

(in case you're curious about the 'prophecy)':

'What Keeps Me Going' - By Ollie Horsfall (2011)

A bus could hit me tomorrow... I could die, or lie in a hospital bed; Tubes filling me with liquids that feed Whilst I internally bleed.

I could die, give up, without trying... How morose and nullifying.

Wouldn't that be weak? So to speak? I could lie, and say I know what's coming... Guitar strings strumming, or lights flooding. I could even say what I am planning on becoming.

But I don't know. So I will try and tell you now that, in case I make a solemn vow, it won't be true. You see, when I say I do, it will be cause I know that... You know too.

So I would say that in my life today I am simply... Afraid. Afraid to face that which is not my place. On the stage or on the page or even as a sage...

Time will tell. It'll even yell, bark and shout, Smack me about. Tell me I'm out. I'll get up Enough of that stuff. Back on the horse: Of course. And I'll fight for what is probably Right.

But that's just me. Resilient, short, thick necked me. He who does not believe in tragedy. Not anymore. Don't get me wrong: I sang that song of self pity... Where did it get me? Black marked by my nearest and dearest. Potholed on the side of some road.

Better to prove I am good and loving and unknowing. Fallible and reliable all in one. Honesty; my new buddy. No hidden guns or agenda. No wasteful benders with Money I do not have.

Just the knowledge I try, every day to find; That little good: to which most are blind. The knowledge I am destined for great things. Knowing that I can take friends with me. Should be, and forever will be What keeps me going.


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