• Ollie Horsfall

Earth To Ollie: Someone Cares... (Pt. 2)

The last time I wrote something here, I was in a pretty shitty way. I was feeling down-trodden and under appreciated.

Three weeks ago we were about three weeks deep into the quarantine, and although I was trying to stay proactive I was letting my own expectations of my self and others get on top of me. For the last two months I've been working out daily online and I wasn't getting much back from it. It occurs to ,me that I was expecting people to act a certain way and that those expectations were weighing on me a lot more than they should have.

Why? Why do I have to count on the attention of other people to make me happy? Well, if I'm honest I don't think I do really. Quarantine has offered an opportunity for a lot of introspection. A lot. Where certain rather important aspects of my life have collapsed under the weight of being stuck in an enclosed space, others have actually begun to rebuild and refresh.

A friend told me yesterday that I shouldn't be so open about my faults. Before this I might have disagreed, but I realise that the only person who cares about my faults really is me, and if I'm working on them, I don't need to constantly announce them.

I've continued to work out live online, not because I feel like people will jump in and work-out with me but because when I watch the workouts back, I can see myself working hard at something.

I don't record my successes enough. I have failed ultimately to consider that being selfish is actually okay under these circumstances. It's not heartless to be selfish, and it's fine to look after yourself first; emotionally, physically and creatively.

My expectations of others are usually irrational and based upon the premise that I deserve more from them than I am getting, BUT with enough thinking time I conclude that the only person whose opinion should matter to us right now is ourself.

I still care deeply for people, I'm just coming to understand that I don't have to care about whether they care about me. I know I'm cared for, cared about and most importantly considered, but expecting people to take action at a time when we need to be focussing on ourselves is naive and arrogant.

I actually feel more connected to myself than I have for a very long time. I talk a big game about perspective, but really I'm just learning and learning and learning. Anxiety is a big block and creates obstacles that have to be overcome, but I feel myself becoming more creatively open and more accepting of my own insecurities.

You come first. I still care about you, but start with you and then branch out when you're ready. Most of all be patient with yourself, we can support each other without a word, and we can take care of each other with very little effort.

Note to self: someone always cares.


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