Earth to Ollie: No-one Cares... (Pt. 1)
Updated: Apr 22
There's a whole thing with me at the moment where my latent insecurity is not allowing me to follow through on ideas I have. It's not self-doubt so much as it's a feeling that even when I have the ability to do something no-one will care about it.
For a long time I've been trying to do things that help others. I even remember at the end of one of my drama classes, asking my regular students to just write something about the class, and to tell their friends about it. One of them did, and Franny, I am eternally grateful for the effort, however it does raise a bit of a question: why didn't anyone else?
I have a number of friends who know I struggle, not just with my mental health but with the position I've placed myself in when it comes to DonkeyDrop the learning to lead aspect of running the company (before this whole COVID-19 thing happened) has been an ongoing curve, but people know I struggle. I'm not saying that no-one cares about me, of course there are people in my life who care a great deal about me, but the problem is, I don't see it.
In a week of attempting to disconnect from social media, I found myself messaging people to check in on them, as a form of habit. Very loose connections were made and people would say they were okay. The majority of people wouldn't ask it in return. I then considered whether this was perhaps because I overshare so they didn't feel the need to, I asked a few friends if they felt this was true the other day and the consensus was a big no. In fact the only complaint raised was that I take one too many selfies. My Instagram is pretty much my face, yes, but at this point oddly, it's my selfies that garner the most attention on there.
People haven't reached out to see how I'm doing without some reason to, a video I posted about my mental health for example garnered a response from an acquaintance or two, but the initiative behind the post was entirely ignored by people I would consider genuinely close to me.
Please don't read this as me being ungrateful, I'm not. I'm not saying that the few who have tried to connect are not important to me, but the value of someone who knows me well, asking how I'm doing compared to a person I have met once or twice briefly are two very different creatures and I don't think anyone else can deny that about their own relationships either.
I don't post often on this blog. I don't complain often on Facebook. My good ideas are ignored. I know there are people on my FB friends list who likely see what I do post; for DonkeyDrop, for my actor page or about my life and the good things I do, and roll their eyes thinking 'not again'. It's really hard to explain, but if I post something exciting I'm doing: Scratch Night, or Insanity or even something as simple as a blog post: no-one appears to care.
I know people do care, they tell me they read a thing or that they saw that I was doing something. People keep an eye on what I'm doing, so why can't they express it? I do. Even something as simple as a like/reaction or some acknowledgement that what you do is seen can make a world of difference to a person, so I try to when I feel like it engages me.
In one of my posts about Insanity, I confessed that I had struggled with bulimia in the past, I'm also aware that I posted pictures a-plenty on it, so the majority of people may have scrolled through to see the results (understandable), but no-one actually thought to ask me about it, or what I do to try and stay on track. I didn't mention it for attention, but to let people know that it's something I came out the other side of.
I don't wish use use sweeping generalisations, so I won't. I don't think what I'm saying applies to everyone I know, like, or love, but when the only people who appear to celebrate you are people you barely know, it's incredibly draining on ones spirit. People I do know and love will celebrate me in the moment, but not in the vast periods of time between them.
I've been saying it for a long while now: I am tired. I have been emotionally exhausted for almost a year and a half now, I lack the energy to understand myself anymore, let alone anyone else, but I've been fighting an uphill battle for almost a year now. A battle of self-worth that is frankly too much for me to handle on my own. I say what I need and I'm laughed at or ignored. I don't say anything, I'm ignored. I WAVE A BIG RED FLAG SAYING: I NEED HELP and I'm , you've guessed it. ignored.
So why exactly do I feel so on my own?
Could it just be a symptom of my mental health?
Sure, but even at my most stable I've felt the same way. I literally have to wave that big red flag of HELP ME and even then the response tenuous at best.
Do people pretend to like me?
I hope not, but there have been a number of occasions, especially recently, where I've felt like I'm a means to an end for people, who, for whatever reason, use me until I am no longer useful and then discard me.
Do I intimidate people with the fact I am so headstrong and appear to know what I am doing?
Yes, I think so, to some degree people find me very difficult to read and possibly be around because I won't be lead into thinking in a way I don't want to. I do wear my heart on my sleeve and this confuses people. I tell lies sometimes, but for the most part I try to live by way of telling the truth or keeping my mouth shut. Don't ask a question if you're not going to like the answer. That kind of deal.
Is there a chance, just the tiniest chance, that people are jealous of your achievements?
Maybe. I know people feel they are in competition with me, even though I don't consider myself in competition with anyone else. I know people copy some of the things I do, which I take as a sign that I'm doing something right. I know that there's a thin line between jealousy and admiration.
What's the point here?
Well I think the point is that I can do something good for myself or others and people will ignore it. A person can post some inane meme and that can get celebrated like you wouldn't believe, but nothing I do sticks.
I guess by asking the question I'm hoping to figure out the answer, but even then it all seems a bit pointless, just like me really.