Being Better than 'Average'
When I think about the past year, what I was writing then to what I'm writing here now, I can't help but notice a trend, a cycle (I broke the wheel), but it took a few circuits before I found the solution that fit me.
Many of my friends don't know how to love themselves. I shock people when I say I know what I'm good at and then list those things off. Humility is very much a part of my character, but I have to be confident in what I'm good at because otherwise how else will I stand out?
It's impossible to see ourselves as anything other than average because usually it is the extraordinary people who make those choices for us and we stop seeing ourselves as capable, because when it comes down to it, we like being lead and we don't like to break the mould because it's easier to just wander around aimlessly until we're tugged in a direction.
Having now been in a leadership role for a year, I realised that we also like to grasp on to control when it feels like we don't have any. When someone is tugging you and you're happy to go, but you find a small part of yourself resisting, where does that come from? I believe it comes from a fear of being average that each of us, deep down, share.
I want to leave my mark on this world. A lasting impression. This year I worked out how I was going to do that. I learned this year that, outside of what I already know I'm good at, I have a real knack for lighting design, an instinct for people's behaviour (other than empathy) and that I am capable of changing my behaviour to improve and not make the same mistakes moving forward. It's odd, but it never occurred to me before that I could admit fault and then make the move to adapt and change. It's such an obvious thing. If something isn't working it's okay to cut it out.
I was speaking to my good friend Johnny yesterday, and I was explaining some relationships that went sour over the last few months. Relationships with people that were 'toxic' to my well being. Relationships where I was manipulated, talked about interrogatively, undermined and in some cases emotionally abused. What I explained to him was that I know I did my best for those people, even with all of the negative things they brought to the table. I did was was best for other people and gladly so. I like to think I'd make a brilliant Star Ship Captain. 'The needs of the many outweigh the needs for the few, etc.
I can look back on the entire process of the last 10 months and say that I poured good energy into everything, that when I think back to it I can honestly say I did no harm and that I am happy that I have personally developed so much in such a short space of time. The negative energy that may continue to orbit will do so only because sometimes I am the one doing the tugging, resistance is a natural consequence, but don't let yourself because the negative energy, branch out and become the positive, that way you won't ever be average, you'll be better than average, you'll be good.