• Ollie Horsfall

Anxiety and Me

I haven't written much here of late. Yes, I've been busy, but I've also been neglectful of promises I made to myself and that's just irresponsible given that my mental health is a constant factor in my day-to-day existence.

I want people to know that while I've been struggling recently, I've also been more focussed than I have ever been in my life on the target of succeeding. It's such a vague thing 'success', I guess in the same vain as 'happiness'. I'm happier right now than I have been for a long while; I have a family of my own, I have love, I have an appreciation of my abilities coming from multiple directions and often I am told I'm good enough. I am blessed.

So why is it that I can't find myself defeating this little part of myself that continues to chip away at my self-worth, why is it I'm constantly stuck on repeat when it comes to living my life? I'm in such a proactive mood these days that it seems impossible that I won't acheive something. rejection is not hitting me nearly as hard as it used to.

Yeah, I'm getting used to the nature of castings and people letting me down is something I better understand so I'm not even offended by it anymore. I think my main source of anxiety is simply irrationality. It just doesn't make sense.

I think anxiety as a mental health disorder is hard for people to understand because everyone experiences it in one way or another, and healthy people get over it quickly enough for them to think 'Well, if I can do it, why can't he?', not realising that there's a massive chemical imbalance that prevents those of us who suffer from being able to just 'get over it.'

If I struggle, I lose. If I accept it, I lose. So it's finding a balance. It's finding those moments of strength and using my time properly when I have them. It's allowing myself to rest when I need it. It's allowing myself to delay plans because, really, what's the rush?

Life isn't short, people, it's the longest thing you'l ever personally experience and while you're living it you should only answer to yourself.

My fight against anxiety is my own. Just as yours is your own. Don't feel like you owe people your health, I know now, that I only owe it to myself.


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